60 Funny Facebook Statuses

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60 Funny Facebook Statuses

 

  1. Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
  2. Grrr! Autocorrect is really starting to irrigate me!
  3. Did you know it doesn’t have to be your birthday to buy a birthday cake? They’ll just sell it to you anyway. No questions asked.
  4. My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party. So I invited over all her friends and had them clean my house.
  5. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know…
  6. 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
  7. I do my best to drink eight glasses of water a day… I just filter them through coffee grinds first.
  8. I’m beginning to think that 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
  9. Very few things in life upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
  10. All theses years I thought it was the dryer making my shirts not fit. Now I’m pretty sure it’s the refrigerator.
  11. I was told that I needed more greens in my diet. First step, I’m switching to mint Oreos.
  12. Hangovers are natures way of grounding you as an adult.
  13. 180 + friends… and not one of you saw where I put the remote?
  14. Today’s interpretive dance was brought to you by “Spider On My Shirt”. Up next we have “Oh crap, where did it go?!”
  15. As I was leaning back in my recliner yesterday looking up I realized that I really like ceilings. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
  16. I wonder if the unmarried employees at Kraft Foods known as Kraft singles?
  17. Don’t mind my breath, once you get a certain age you start decaying from the inside out.
  18. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
  19. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
  20. A rabbit runs and hops all day but only lives 15 years.
  21. A tortoise doesn’t run … Does nothing in fact, and lives for 450 years, And you tell me to exercise. I don’t think so!
  22. My wife claims I try to make everything into a ‘quiz’.  Is that: a) weird, b) annoying, or c) unfair
  23. Voyager1 is 8.2 billion Miles from Earth and continues to send readings back to us… and I can’t get cellphone reception in my living room?
  24. Been holding on to this but can’t keep it a secret any longer. We hit the Mega Millions over the weekend. Plan on taking care of family first so please don’t send any requests for money. Besides that, the $2 that we won will only go so far. Thank you for understanding.
  25. I think I’m emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a crap in days.
  26. “Always leave them wanting more” is my new mantra when paying bills.
  27. A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.
  28. Diet tip: Your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
  29. The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
  30. I finally got around to reading 50 Shades of Grey and I don’t see what the big deal is… I mean its no different then all of the other Sherwin Williams brochures that I’ve looked through.
  31. Should have never given the neighbor’s cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
  32. The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.
  33. This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
  34. I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list… I got the bucket.
  35. Not to brag, but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 39 minutes.
  36. I just realized none of my yoga pants have ever been to yoga.
  37. I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
  38. A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
  39. Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
  40. Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
  41. Fair is where you can get cotton candy, everything else is Life!
  42. It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
  43. My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
  44. Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
  45. I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
  46. The worst thing about spanking a kid in Wal-Mart is that I have no idea who’s kid this is.
  47. If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
  48. Stopped by the library yesterday and asked if there were any books on Facebook status jokes? The librarian said, “They’ve all been stolen.” “That’s the one.” I replied.
  49. I sent that “Ancestry ” site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over.
  50. I’m changing my Facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this.
  51. I just can’t understand why women are okay with J.C. Penny having an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
  52. The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I’ve decided to start growling.
  53. I wonder  if security guards at Samsung stores are called Guardians of the Galaxy?
  54. Bruce Springsteen is 65 years old. Now when he’s dancing in the dark, it’s because of cataracts.
  55. Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on our scale today.
  56. My new favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch.
  57. I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
  58. I was in a taxi once and the driver said “I love my job. I’m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!” I said “That’s really great, now take a left here.”
  59. I’m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
  60. “Grow a pear.” – How to insult an apple tree.

 

 

 

 

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